new here...my story

i was admitted into hospital at 34+5 for pe, i was also suffering with hydronephrosis (problem with my kidney bought on by pregnancy) my consultant wanted to try and get me to 37 wks before delivery. got to 36 blood pressure went sky high and was induced this is where i feel everything went wrong

from when i was admitted i was having my bp taken hourly and bloods twice a day, also had to wee in a jug to measure iutput because of kidney problem. i wasnt allowed out of bed either. when i got to 36 wks I was induced in the morning with a pessary this was the most uncomfortable and painful experience ever my cervix was to far back and had to be pulled round, few hrs later contractions started midwife came to check me and my cervix had gone back so the same procedure was repeated. went all day with contractions then my waters went at about 7pm so finally thought i was getting somewhere, consultant came to check me and my cervix was less than half a cm and had moved back again so was pulled round again....i nearly hit the ceiling. was devastated to hear i was only less than half a cm. this whole time i wasnt allowed out of bed to walk about spent half the time on a monitor the rest was told i was not allowed up to walk about. had some pethedine then slept for 3hrs when i woke my contractions were less than 2 mins apart and very painful and my bp had gone sky high....was taken upto delivery for an epidural as apparently this would help my bp.

got to delivery suite was checked by midwife and was still less than half a cm, they decided i should still have the epidural because of bp and that they would start a drip which should help with my cervix. my epidural didnt work properly and i could feel all of 1 side of my stomach despite my epidural being topped up several times so i ended up using gas and air with each contraction to help with the pain, the drip made my babys heartbeat slow down and it took ages to recover so the drip was stopped and started several times. 9 am the next morning the consultant came to see me and checked me and in his words i was less than a cm being generous over 24hrs on and still not getting anywhere despite my contractions being about a minute apart.

they then decided that i should have an emergency c-section so off i went for that. got to theatre and had to wait ages for them to start as my epidural still wasnt working properly, they gave me some other drugs and said right we will start.....i felt EVERYTHING from the second they started and despite telling them i was in pain they just said no no its just some pushing/pulling....i know the difference between the 2 and i was definately in pain. someone else came into theatre to help the anethetist and she sent my partner out of the room they adjusted my drips gave me morphine and some other stuff (cant remember the name of it) then my partner was brought back in. they delivered my baby about 10 minutes later and showed her to me then they sent my partner out and put me under a general as i started to lose to much blood.

i woke in the recovery room to find my baby dressed and they were waiting to transfer her to nicu as she was 4weeks early weighed only 4lb 12oz and had low blood sugar and couldnt keep her temp up. i dont really remember much about the recovery room. but they took my baby away after about 10minutes with her and then transfered me to the ward.

i wasnt allowed out of bed for 24hrs because of my bp/drips/catheter and i was so swollen from the pe i couldnt move properly. i feel like i was robbed of those precious first 24hrs i went over to nicu the next day as soon as i could and my baby was being tube fed as she now wouldnt feed and she had jaundice. for 3 days i wasnt allowed to hold her because she was in a light box.

i just feel that i was robbed of the first week of her life, i felt like i had no control over anything i hadnt even had a chance to do a birth plan with my midwife...we came home when she was 8 days old but i cant even look at the pics of her in hospital. i know i should be grateful that she is ok when there are lots of babies that are ill and in hospital alot longer but i just cant get over this.

she has had a few health issues since she came out of hospital..chest infection that she ended up in hospital with, problems with feeding/milk it almost seems like we go 1 step forward and 3 steps backwards

sorry for such a long thread, sorry to bore you all like this with my first post.

thanks for reading
s
xx

Hi S,

Welcome to the site - Im glad you found us.
Welcome to to your little girl.

Strangely I can relate to a lot of your post as Im sure many of us here will.

We have such dreams of how our pregnancies & the births are going to be & when they dont happen it feels exactly as you described...robbed.
I think its the same as if we were actually robbed, it would not matter if they stole 5 pence or 500 pounds, the fact is it really hurts. Except with us, it hurts in every sense of the word, not just physically.
The wounds feel raw & will take time to heal and the emotional scars perhaps even longer. These are the wounds no one sees, the ones where people say how are you and we automatically reply Im fine because we are afraid of actually saying Im really hurting inside.

These are the wounds that people forget about all too quickly & think 'you must be over it'.

The time should be in your time - at your pace & whatever you need to remember you will.

Occaisionally the memories or a thought will creep up & trip you when you least expect it on other occaisions catching yourself being happy can trip you up too.

These are all perfectly normal responses. You are grieving.

I hope you will find the support here that you are looking for & look forward to getting to know you.

Warm Wishes
Liz

i felt so alone in all of this until i found this site , sounds daft but people were so busy asking if the baby was ok that nobody apart from my partner asked if i was ok ( i tell him im fine)...was almost like i was forgotten about and if anyone does ask i just reply im fine thanks...i guess i almost feel a bit silly for feeling so sad over the situation but unless they have been there i cant see how anyone else could understand where im coming from.

a few friends seem to think its funny (or maybe i take it the wrong way) to ask me when im having another? surely my birth wasnt that bad loads of people have sections my daughter is only 16wks old. i have no intentions of having another one anytime soon.

i guess i need to sit and tell him how i really feel.......its hard to though as he was traumatised by everything aswell and i feel like i dont want to upset him or myself by going over it but maybe thats the answer.
=

thank you for your reply Liz.

steph x

Hi Steph,

As hard as it is, it would probably be better if you could talk to your partner openly about how you feel - the chances are that he's having some similar feelings. Now may well not be the time to do it, it's very early days, but perhaps if you maybe started to keep a journal of your feelings, then when the time is right, you'll have something there to work from.

I found it really hard to talk about it all afterwards, and kept telling everyone I was fine, and then when I finally did talk to my husband about how I really felt, I felt such a sense of relief, because he understood and was supportive.

We still keep getting the 'when are you having another one?' questions, 4 years on - we've decided not to have another for our own reasons, but given that your little girl is only 16 weeks old, there's no way you're in a place where you can make that sort of decision yet.

You've been through an awful experience - something that should have been one of the most precious and fabulous times of your life, and you need to grieve for the dreams that were never realised, and heal and it's going to take some time.

Be gentle with yourself.

Love Nicki x

Hi Nicki

thank you so much for your reply

i just cant bring myself to talk about it with him, i know i should but just the thought of talking about it makes me cry.

how long was it before you spoke to your husband about it? does it still bother you now 4yrs down the road?

thanks

steph x

Hi Steph,

I know exactly what you mean - it took me a long time, I think Jon was nearly 2 before I was able to really open up and talk to Andy. Every time I thought about talking to him, I would start thinking that I shouldn't be troubling him with how I felt, that I should just 'get over it' and move on, after all, I had a healthy child, and I had no long term after effects from the HELLP.

It's not going to be a quick and easy process - it may take you less time or it may take you more time, but the important thing is that you take your time, and talk when it feels right.

I spoke to Donna, one of the befrienders, and that really helped, because it meant I could talk to another woman who'd been through something similar, and I was able to understand that my feelings were normal and acceptable, which helped me to then work out how to talk to my husband.

4 years on, yes it does still bother me, but it's more occasional, rather than every day, and it's in the background rather than being all consuming. I felt much better once I'd talked to Andy, and we'd decided together not to have another child. It was a really tough decision, as when we met, we wanted three!

It's worth asking Liz if she can put you in touch with one of the befrienders - it makes such a difference, just being able to talk to someone who understands, and it's all over the phone, so you don't have to do it face to face.

Take care

Love Nicki x

Hi S,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find the answers and comfort you need here.

Bell.x