I have done this a bit backwards in that I’ve already posted in new arrivals but would like to share my story now. I apologise in advance if this turns into a bit of a novel but this is the first time in a long time that I’ve written all this down.
In summer 2002 I had been single for a while. My dad had died suddenly a few months earlier and I wasn’t looking to meet anybody. As is usually the case, with these things happening when you least expect them, I met Steve. 8 months later we moved in together and in May 2006 we got married.
During that summer we discussed having a family but decided we would try and let nature take its course. We were therefore delighted in the November to find out I was pregnant the first time of ‘properly’ trying. At our 20 week scan we were over the moon to find out we were expecting a little boy.
On the 6th May 2007 at 28 weeks pregnant our world turned upside down. I had been to the doctors a few days earlier with what I thought was indigestion. The pain got steadily worse until the weekend when we phoned our maternity unit to ask if I could get checked out. Despite being in agony I still didn’t believe that anything could be seriously wrong and naively thought I’d be given some medicine and be back home in time for my Sunday lunch! I will skip some of the details but when we got to hospital my blood pressure was so high the midwife taking it thought the machine was broken, even so I still didn’t realise how serious the situation was for my health, even when the consultant started talking about delivery.
I was given an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic and on waking was given the news by my husband that our little boy hadn’t made it. Max had lived an hour and a half and had passed away before I came round. Seeing how surprised the doctors were that he hadn’t made it was heartbreaking. Out of the two of us they were more worried that they’d lose me (something that Steve only told me months after). At 28 weeks gestation they’d expected him to survive and a post mortem revealed no underlying problems – it’s still hard to accept that we were just one of the unlucky ones. After spending 5 days in HDU I was allowed home.
Despite all this we were desperate to try again as soon as possible. We knew that no-one could ever replace Max but we’d been given a glimpse of what life might be like with a family and were desperate for more. We were told by our consultant to wait at least 3 months before trying again which seemed like an eternity but were lucky enough to fall pregnant at the second attempt. The care I received this time round was completely different and on the 20th of May Max’s little sister Tilly Hope was born at 37 weeks exactly after I started to show very mild signs of PE again.
Looking back I’m not quite sure how I got through this pregnancy. Every day I woke up wondering if that would be the day when things started to go wrong again, if I’d have a baby at the end of it, or even if I’d still be here. I know I couldn’t have done it without the support of my wonderful midwife and consultant and the people on this site (esp my lovely befriender Donna!!). Perversely, the fact that I got through this pregnancy (almost) PE free just makes me feel even more guilty about Max – that in a way he was the ‘trial run’ - but reading a few of the other posts it seems I’m not alone in that. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish both my children were here (in a way having Tilly just serves to confirm what we have lost whereas before we could only imagine) but we know how blessed we are to have Tilly so soon after losing Max and truly believe that he sent her to us.
I don’t blame you if you’ve given up on this halfway through but I’ve found writing it down very therapeutic. A year ago I read the stories on the website and never believed that things could be different for me second time around, but as my beautiful daughter lies here next to me I’m so glad I dared to believe that they just might be!
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