Does anyone ever feel guilty for wanting more....?

Morning all
As you know we're thinking of trying for a little brother/sister for Jake next year. I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about pre eclampsia at some point, all sorts of niggles and worries go through my head, I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.

But one reoccuring though that I keep having is, am I being selfish in wanting another? Should I be content that Jake and I are fine and got through our horrible experience, is it selfish to risk PE coming back during a second pregnancy, what if I have to go into hospital for weeks leaving Jake with one of his Nannys, without his mummy there to look after him, am I being selfish to the next baby? I know deep down the answer is no, and this is by no means what I think of the ladies here on subsequent pregnancies so I hope you don't think that of me. It's just a niggle that I have in the back of my mind, should I be grateful for my lot?

I don't know, obviously had too much time to think this weekend, but I do know that I've always wanted 2 children, I never wanted my first to be an only chid.

Love Nic x

I don't feel guilty for wanting another baby but I do feel guilty about what I might put my husband and family through again. They were with me when I was at my worst with pre eclampsia and thought I might die. I know my family and husband are very concerned about me trying again incase pre eclampsia comes back. I also realise that two years on they are still thinking about what happened that day and still very upset. I know they still have their moments when they cry about it.

But I also think that with all the information we now have and all the treatment we will be offered throughout a next pregnancy that even if pre eclampsia does come back, the situation will be more controlled and picked up earlier.

I don't think we can live our lifes saying, what if?

Don't feel guilty about having another baby, your family wouldn't want you too.

Bell.

Hi Nic
I understand so very well what you are saying. I would love to try for another baby, but there are always so many questions on my head...
I worry about feeling guilty - What if it happens again? Is it fair for both the new baby and Dylan? What if things don't go so well as they did with Dylan? Am I right to want to risk putting another child through the same? So many questions...
I think once you have suffered one of these terrible conditions, the idea of a future pregnancy is never again a pleasant thing only. You will always worry about it happening again, and with it comes all these other questions, all these other feelings.
I wish I could just decide to go for another baby and feel like other people do about the whole idea, to just be able to enjoy the pregnancy once it happens and not worry about all these things - but that is no longer possible. I think, in my case, all these feelings and questions, in a way, have until now stopped me from making a decision of trying for another or not. But I don't think at all it's being selfish to wish for another child. The thing is no one can tell you what will happen next time, and giving life to someone is a great miracle, the most wonderful thing in the world. There are no guarantees in this world - and that is true for everyone. I suppose we just have to take a leap of faith and wish for the best.
If you have decided to try for a new baby, go for it! We will all be keeping our fingers crossed that all will go well with you, another happy story, the ones that give us all faith. If not, we will also be here to support you and offer our help.
I think it's impossible to not have these feelings and doubts you are having now, but don't let them stop you from doing something you really want.
Good luck!!
xx

Hi Nic.

I know how you feel the many things that run through your head, all these "what if's".
I took the difficult descision to have another baby and i'm now 8 weeks pregnant. I still have all these "What if's" in my mind but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

I have read so many stories on this web site of reacurring PE and so many with PE free second and beyond pregnancies, that helped a lot with my descision. I've decided i'm going to stay PE free and have a "normal" birth.

Nobody can make the descision for you but your not selfish for wanting another baby. I think if it happens again i'm just going to deal with it and thats all i can do if my baby is born prematurly then i'll deal with it you just have to.

You would be closely monitered and there are treatments to try and help prevent it. Getting stressed about it won't help. It's a very hard descision and you have to make it for yourself, you make the right choice for you for me it was having another i couldn't live my life with one child i want a big family, but thats just me.

Don't let PE rule your descision you most likely only have a 30-40% chance of getting it again which in my view is quite slim.

Don't feel guilty if thats what you want.

Hi Nic,
You're not being selfish at all - it's a completely natural urge & one that's very difficult to ignore once it sets in.
Have you had a follow up with a consultant to discuss the plans in the next pregnancy - monitoring etc? It really put my mind at ease, & every time I see the consultant she's so confident & supportive that it makes me feel confident too.
I'm very lucky that my PET & HELLP started late & that everything is going OK so far this time, so I didn't have so many feelings of guilt, but am still scared about the possibility of it happening again as have never felt so ill & scared in my life as I did then.
I wish you lots of luck with making your decision & as others have said we will be with you every step of the way.
Lots of love
xxx

Thank you everyone for making me feel somewhat "normal". So many feelings and fears go around in my head and it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

I guess what will be will be, I've always been a believer in that, although it has been hard to think that way sometimes.

The most important thing for all of us is that we stay positive and face this awful condition head on and together.

Thanks again for your messages.

Love Nic x

Hi Nic,

Just wanted to say I am away on holiday at the moment, but I will reply to you as soon as I return.

Warm Wishes
Liz

Thank you Liz. What are you like, enjoy your holiday and try to relax. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post though. The ladies on here have been brilliant in reassuring me that I'm not completely bonkers for having these thoughts and feelings. Now that I've found this site I'm not sure what I'd do without it!

Lots of love x

Hi Nic,

Ive just realised I didnt keep my promise & write back to you about feeling guilty & wanting more children.

Guilt is such a normal part of grief & bereavement. And when we experience PE thats exactly what it causes. Grief & bereavement.
We grieve for the pregnancy we had planned, the birth we planned and the thunderbolt of love that hits us as we have our children lifted into our arms immediatley after. There are supposed to be candles & soothing music in our pain free dreams. PE robs us of this dream, and we grieve for that too.

Even though many of us still have our babies here with us it doesnt stop us grieving for the dreams we lost nor does it stop the need / want to try for it again. Then we bargain with ourselves - 'maybe I wont get PE again if....' or 'it was because of ....that I caused the PE in the first place'. Neither of these bargainings are true but that doesnt make them any less real.

So although you might have felt / still do feel guilty for wanting more children, it is still a normal reaction to what was an abnormal situation. And for that, your guilt is not necessary.


Warm Wishes
Liz

im going throught the same honey, what if's.!