Feeling low...

I just really wanted to let some feelings out, don't really know why i'm writing this. Feeling incredibly low at the moment, I know I've been through a terrible time but I am feeling even worse now than I did a month or so ago. Does anyone else feel like this? Maybe it has taken this long for it to truly hit me. Many friends and sister in law have been pregnant and given birth in the last month which is so so hard because it should be me with my baby as well. I feel so jealous and resentful towards them, which in turn I feel guilty about because it's not their fault! I have also gone back to work...I teach, which is great for keeping me busy but 30 five year olds is not easy when you're emotional! As well as this, I have become obsessed with pre-e and becoming pregnant again. I know nothing will bring her back and nothing anybody says can fix it...basically what I want to know is, does anyone else feel like this? Or felt like this in the past? Does it get easier? because I hate feeling this way. Moan over!!
Lizzie

Hi Lizzie
I'm sorry to hear about Bea, I don't think I was a member of the boards when you posted your story. I don't want to pretend i know how you are feeling because I haven't experienced a loss like you, but when Luke was very poorly in Intensive Care my sister had a healthy full term baby. Since then I've really found it difficult. Luke has complex health problems and I can't help but compare my experince with that of my sister. I've struggled with guilt...and resentment, which then becomes guilt again. I'm seeing a counsellor and she can't fix things, but it helps to hear her say that it's ok to feel like this and people will just have to fit in around us and our situation, rather than me trying (and failing, which leaves me feeling low) to always consider their feelings. She also gives me the confidence to say to people that I'm not ok. Sometimes people ask me how I am, I know that they are waiting for the polite answer "fine", but it doesn't do you any favours to always be brave, they go away with a false satisfaction and you don't feel supported.
as for being obsessed with PE, I recently posted a thread with loads of questions, I spend a lot of time thinking about it.
xxx
big hugs
Carole

Lizzie,
I can relate so much to everything that you've said here!! It's like you're expressing my thoughts.

I feel like I see babies and small children everywhere, and know I shouldn't but I feel jealous, that should be me with Ricky.

Also feel obsessed with PE/HELLP, feel like I'm on the internet all the time researching it, trying to find answers.

I'm not back at work yet, I'm a teacher too, but dreading it in case I break down all the time.

Feel ok a lot of the time, but then it just hits me!

You're doing the right thing in expressing all your thoughts and feelings and not keeping them bottled up, and I just want you to know that you're not alone in what you are feeling and it is to be expected after what happened.

Take care
Emma
xxx

Hi Lizzie,

I too can totally relate to what you are saying. Its as if you were writting my thoughts down. It is so hard to see people will healthy babies when you long so much to hold a baby yourself.

Best Wishes

Bell.xx

Oh girls I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It is still very early days and while the pain will always be there I don't think it will feel as raw as it does now. I won't pretend that there won't be days when it all comes back and hits you like it happened yesterday but from my experience you'll reach a point where the good days eventually do outweigh the bad. At some point you'll find yourself smiling and laughing at something again - then you'll probably feel guilty and get upset!

What you're feeling about other babies is completely normal and natural. 2 close friends at the time were pregnant the same time I was. One had a little boy a few weeks after we lost Max, the other had a girl the day before his due date and while I wouldn't wish what happened to us on anyone else you do think why did it have to be me. I've no doubt you'll have had to deal with a few insensitive comments aswell!

I really do wish you lots of luck with trying again. I know I felt so many emotions at being pregnant again - delight, fear and guilt the main ones. I remember thinking that I wouldn't possibly be able to love another baby as much as Max but you will. The love I have for Tilly in no way at all lessens the love I have for Max and vice versa.

Please do keep talking and posting and if you would like to chat more do pm me at any time.

Love Caroline xxxxx

Thank you Caroline, I'm sure all of us feel some hope of happiness again after reading your response. It's nice to hear from someone who has come through it, I know it doesn't go, but good to hear that better days out weigh the bad. Girls, i'm so sorry that you are feeling rubbish like me...i really feel it helps sharing our thoughts on here though. Sometimes I think that friends and family get tired of hearing about it (even though they try).
Lizzie

HI

Although I haven't experienced a loss as late as you. I too can relate to a lot of what you have said. I too feel this jealousy towards anyone who has had a normal pregnancy and birth- and then feel guilty for it too!

I haven't experienced a loss of a baby but I can relate to a lot to what you said above. If you read some of my posts you will see that ive been OBSESSED with studying PE and obsessed with wanting another child and hopefully carry it full term.
Both my pregs were ended prematurely...i know some people hate being pregnant and some even go over their due date but you dont know how much i would love to have a problem free preg AND carry it on until 40 weeks.

I feel jealous towards anyone who has had a normal pregnancy and a normal birth. Both my children were born via C-section which is classed to be a "not normal" birth. My babies were born tiny and i have people telling me that they were so small that they wouldve popped out easily...errr...i was dying i wouldnt want to risk killing my baby too.

So many of my friends have been pregnant and all of them are nearly done having their babies BUT i feel like such a freak sometimes because do you know what i do...? I dont talk to my friends when they are pregnant and count the days until they are due and then maybe after baby is born i begin to talk to them again. I just feel jealous and envious and i stop talking to them because.. well, every pregnant woman has complaints about their pregnancy but oh how i long to just have those aches and pains again...I wouldnt complain one bit.
I find myself asking my friends after they have babies "are you gona have anymore?"...how horrid is that? Its up to them when they want a baby, its none of my business but what makes me ask it? Ofcourse when they say "yeah, maybe in a few years time..." i go home and sob my heart out because any pregnancy i want will have to be planned and discussed and weighed out, its not a happy time constantly worrying about wether it will or will not happen again.
I met a friend today whos recently had a baby and her sister in law had a baby too... i asked how was the birth expecting her to say "yeh she had a c-section" but ofcourse this wasnt the case. Ive not met anyone who has had just C-section as a way of giving birth. Ive met people who have had a c-section 1st and then 2nd preg they have Vbac. I dont know why i wasnt given the option for VBAC....
My sister in law (my hubbys younger sister) is now pregnant and when she told me i didnt know what to feel. I felt happy at 1st but then began to dwell on it and found myself just sitting like a zombie for hours fighting with my mind. My sister in law knows what ive been through but...well...shes an "in law" and we know how they can be. Anyway, she texts a few days later and tells me to pray for her throughout the pregnancy and pray that she has a NORMAL birth so that she can get preg again the following year... I was so upset by this that i just stopped speakin altogether- not even to my husband, not to my kids, not anyone... Even writing this now i have tears flowing down my eyes.

Ive been told not to have anymore babies but like i said before, i am so obsessed over the subjct of PE and so obsessed with wanting another baby. I have all my pregnancy notes so i really want to see a specialist. I saw a consultant last year but she wasnt a SPECIALIST in PE so that my next priority because ive decided i do want another baby... but then again that all depends on what the specialist says after reading my notes... see this is how the fight between myself and my mind begins...should i? shouldnt i?

I just need peace in my mind because im fed up of fighting with it... im fed up of the obsession with researching on PE and wanting another baby when i know it wont be easy... Im fed up of feeling guilty when i have these thoughts especially regarding other people and their pregs...

Thanks for reading my little outburst...lol